I woke up this morning with a deep sense of despair. First, I thought it was because of the primary yesterday, but Barack trounced Hillary in North Carolina and she barely won in Indiana--a state that she should have done well in. It appears that barring a last minute onslaught of anti-Barack media served-up by Clinton spin doctors and campaign operatives (images of Rev. Wright in Pennsylvania, Clinton's campaign misrepresenting Obama's aide's NAFTA comment in Ohio, and over blowing Barack's remarks in Pennsylvania), she loses. Oh they tried with--heck I don't even remember the allegation because Obama's camp readily and handily squashed it as they should have been doing all along. So I knew that wasn't it. I wondered and prayed for God to help me lift this despair. The image of Neo being debugged in a scene from The Matrix came to mind as I prayed. I hoped it wouldn't be that unpleasant, but the need for the release is great. I prayed that God would allow my mother to help me ease the hurt and then it came to me. It is nearly Mother's Day--marking the 15th Mother's Day without my Mom.
My eyes are cloudy and sting from the salt from my tears as I write this. I thought, maybe I should call someone, maybe write in my journal--I even thought if a drink would help. No, I'll blog. The journal wouldn't do because I know that no one else reads it. Even if no one comments here, I do feel like I am sharing with others and for some reason, that helps.
I miss my mother so very, very much at times I just don't know what to do. I think picking out the Mother's Day cards last night helped get here. I didn't realize it then. I do delay purchasing Mother's Day cards. Now, I know why. So what do I do? I'll be sad for awhile, I'm sure. This feeling in the pit of my stomach will subside as the day's demands take over. At some point I will decide to celebrate her life and will thank God for her. I will remember all of the things I am grateful for. But for now, I will be depressed and continue to feel pain, sorrow and anguish. I think I can take this time to feel the void.
I miss you mommy and I love you.
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1 comment:
Oh Rashida girl, I feel you. My Mother is very sick and as much as it hurts me to say it, I don't know if I will have another Mother's Day with her. I can't imagine, but I do imagine. I am wathcing her slowly dissipate, and I am fearful of the comming days and weeks.
Think about your kids, your husband and all of the other blessings that have been bestowed upon you. And although nothing can ever replace her - her beautiful spirit lives. I know that because I know you. You are a beautiful shining spirit that your mother had a clearly had a hand in creating. For that I thank her. Take care of yourself my sister!
peace and blessings to you,
Iola
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