Requited Mother's Day: A Tribute to Ernie

So I got myself together and remembered all the things I'm thankful for. It didn't hurt getting a smooch from Tee, my three-year-old son. My mother is smiling right now. It it weren't for her, I wouldn't have known of unconditional love. For that I am grateful. To you, Ernie, I give this tribute: You are a remarkable woman and the best mom a gal could ever have.

Unrequited Mother's Day

I woke up this morning with a deep sense of despair. First, I thought it was because of the primary yesterday, but Barack trounced Hillary in North Carolina and she barely won in Indiana--a state that she should have done well in. It appears that barring a last minute onslaught of anti-Barack media served-up by Clinton spin doctors and campaign operatives (images of Rev. Wright in Pennsylvania, Clinton's campaign misrepresenting Obama's aide's NAFTA comment in Ohio, and over blowing Barack's remarks in Pennsylvania), she loses. Oh they tried with--heck I don't even remember the allegation because Obama's camp readily and handily squashed it as they should have been doing all along. So I knew that wasn't it. I wondered and prayed for God to help me lift this despair. The image of Neo being debugged in a scene from The Matrix came to mind as I prayed. I hoped it wouldn't be that unpleasant, but the need for the release is great. I prayed that God would allow my mother to help me ease the hurt and then it came to me. It is nearly Mother's Day--marking the 15th Mother's Day without my Mom.

My eyes are cloudy and sting from the salt from my tears as I write this. I thought, maybe I should call someone, maybe write in my journal--I even thought if a drink would help. No, I'll blog. The journal wouldn't do because I know that no one else reads it. Even if no one comments here, I do feel like I am sharing with others and for some reason, that helps.

I miss my mother so very, very much at times I just don't know what to do. I think picking out the Mother's Day cards last night helped get here. I didn't realize it then. I do delay purchasing Mother's Day cards. Now, I know why. So what do I do? I'll be sad for awhile, I'm sure. This feeling in the pit of my stomach will subside as the day's demands take over. At some point I will decide to celebrate her life and will thank God for her. I will remember all of the things I am grateful for. But for now, I will be depressed and continue to feel pain, sorrow and anguish. I think I can take this time to feel the void.

I miss you mommy and I love you.

His Touch

I have never been one to enjoy male company "up under me." I have always been fiercely independent and relished the idea of being smothered by the physical manifestations of a male's love. All of that changed when Tee came along. He was breast-fed until being weened (with strong resistance) when he was two. At three and a half, he still has a deep affinity for "Mommies breastesses." He sneaks in a caress at each and every opportunity.

Hass and I didn't do that as much. I had my morning cuddling sessions with her. She didn't seem to want all of that--ours we're definitely limited to no longer than three minutes, then she was off to explore. Even now I often must sneak in my hugs and kisses despite her protests. I have noticed, of late, her desire for a physical closeness to Mommy which I have been enjoying. It is always on her terms and usually at the most inopportune times--when she is getting dressed for school or supposed to be going to bed. Although some would say there is no wrong time for affection with one's child, I think these affectionate moments are a delaying tactic more than Hass actually wanting my embrace. On those more frequent cuddling exchanges while watching television, I really get a chance to enjoy her. She has such delicate movements when you really watch her. I don't think I was ever that graceful. I mean, without really working on it. Since my mom is no longer around, I really can't ask her directly (she and I do have a way to communicate through our love and God's love). I can't believe much of my grandmother's recollections. According to my father, I was graceful too. I'm not keen on that recollection. As I remember at nine, I had bloody ankles because I couldn't stop rubbing them together while I walked. Hass definitely doesn't have that problem.

Tee, rarely protests affection. Our morning cuddling sessions are one of the highlights of my day. Along with his "silly, silly, dance" that he does when taking off his pajama top. He has this way of letting the top sit on top of his head, almost like a jester's hat and he does this dance where he wiggles his hips from side to side (he wiggles his entire lower body as a matter of fact) and sings "silly , silly, silly." It is quite adorable. He rested he pajama top on his head like that once and I said with a big smile "you are so silly." That was the birth of the silly dance.

I am working on increasing the "touches" with my children. It is fine for my children to want to be "up under me." It doesn't mean they are trying to impede on my sense of independence, they are not putting on a display to "stake their claim" on me, nor are they trying to set a mood---they just like being close to Mommy and that is a-okay with me.

Smooches!